We all have conversations we would rather avoid, with family; colleagues; parents; students; and others. Often our concern is based on the unknown and a lack of control, we don’t know how to prepare, what to say, how we or others will react. If we understand and reflect on how we feel and how we want to behave we can influence the effectiveness of the conversation.
Before we start a conversation, we need to prepare ourselves, do we understand:
- How our own Background will affect what we feel, think, do……
- Our own Assumptions about the situation, person ……………
- Our Goals for the situation
- Our State of mind
We will probably need to leave some of our BAGS at the door before we start the conversations, so we start with a clean sheet.
Our assumptions often get the in way, are we really sure what we know, or is it hearsay? Alongside this is our state, how do we feel, are we emotional, critical, sympathic, do we care? Are we able to understand an others viewpoint, be emotionally intelligent and logical?
Understanding other viewpoints through enquiry, ensuring that those participating in the conversation have a mutual purpose and mutual goals is so important. If this is agreed everyone is working in the same direction even though there maybe different views and beliefs in the room. A mutual purpose/goal could be:
- We all want the team to be successful by delivering a quality service
- We want our daughter to do her best at school, so she needs to do her homework
- We want to deliver the most nutritional food in the cafeteria for the best cost
Being able to enquire, ask clear questions and listen to the answers are key, often this is seen as time consuming, but in reality, it doesn’t have to be, expectations can be managed as to how much time you have. Think about the type of question you will ask.
Open questions: What, where, when how, why
What do you need? How do you feel? Tell me about the situation? What would you like to talk about? What would you like to do…….? What options/choices do you/we have? What decisions do you need to make?
Closed questions: Usually a yes, no or short answer (follow up with an open question).
Do you want to speak to him? When do you want it done by? Did I understand you correctly?
Hypothetical questions: Invite someone to imagine themselves in a situation, be creative and think outside the box.
If you were not able to talk to her, what would happen? What would happen in an ideal world?
Summarising questions: Be clear what someone has said to you, clarify the situation. As I understand it…… In your view this is the issue? The impression I get is that you want……..
Having asked the questions, you then have to listen, really listen to the answer.
Listen and Observe
- Are you interested? – be welcoming, eye contact, smile…………
- Listen to their tone of voice – What do you hear; frustration, worry, happiness………
- Prompts – ‘hmmm’, ‘I see…’ ‘so….’ ‘and…..’ ‘what next….’ ’tell me more….’
- Feelings – empathise with your colleague, don’t sympathise
- Don’t take it personally – whatever is said it’s not about you
- Notes – If you take notes, you are not interviewing write down significant words and phrases
- Play it back – what you see and hear
- Summarise – check your understanding
- Conclusions – don’t jump to them.
If you are interested in finding out more about our courses, training and coaching please get in touch.